Mid May

It’s not over, it’s never over.  And as has been clearly defined, once you choose and begin to create and give your best, the universe give back to you your invested self in the ways you desire.

I am busier than I have been before, and I usually stay near-frantically occupied, it’s my mode.  Or, shall I say, my past mode.  The exact things I have stated on my dream board/vision board, plus those on my shapes are coming to fruition faster than I would have expected.  It is as though the autopilot has fully kicked in and I am now along for the ride I built for myself, only this time it is also taking others along for the adventure.  I am having fun getting things accomplished, and staying open to new opportunities as well.  It is nice to see though that some of my past endeavors are also bringing forth more effective growth in terms of financial benefits.  I hadn’t expected to be working on boats much anymore, particularly in the mechanical and structural field, but it was a skill I had mastered and know thoroughly, and I do enjoy it as I am able to turn profits fairly quickly and also significantly reduce the service fees to the customers.  Word of mouth travels fast in that realm, but this time I am also looking to train an employee or three as well.  Autonomy serves a purpose but you can’t do everything as effectively alone.

It is all supporting the main purpose, my DMP, and I use my connections with all my services to advertise and network for that one goal.  A truly give-give gain-gain for all parties involved.

Beautiful weather.  It is supposed to rain some this weekend, and I am going to go for a walk in it.

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Week 24

It’s all about process and new beginnings.  What I started nearly 2 years before I began this course is now coming full circle in the process of its birth.  I already had the inspiration, the creativity, and the motivation.  I am cleared of distractions that do not further my purpose in life.  It exists in my life only if it funnels down to service.  And only if through that type of service does it bring me closer to my goals.

It is not a finished product, and that is the beauty of it.  I know I am not the same as I was.  There are core parts of my personality that will always be, but there is certainly difference in my level of intent in every moment of my life.

I don’t see things that need to get done and have any questions or hesitations, I just get them done.  It wasn’t always that way.  Life on productive autopilot.

There is time.  More of it than I ever realized until I recognized fully just how much of it was spent in distraction and detraction.  Useless and empty, but no more.  Relaxing is even different, as it is guilt free.  There is no thought of ‘I should be doing something else’.  There is just celebration in the new step achieved, the new shape affiliation, the new color of joy, etc.  The promises kept are now a neat stack, thick and high instead of a small pile strewn randomly with regret as the associated emotion.

 

I also experienced so much inspiration here.   Nephi, Paul, Charles, Momi, Ben, Ryan, and on and on.  All the readings of other peoples experiences.  So much beauty in the world.  It really was not like that before.  I often replaced a negative thought with an observation in somebody else’s post.  Charles, who wasn’t himself and fought an imposter.  Nephi, who was transgressed against but used it as a tool for growth….

How could I fail or doubt the powers and wonders of humanity when these are my people, when these are the experiences my mind has been surrounded by?

What we focus on really does change who we become.  Automatically.

Write it down and repeat it.

 

This week I was in training for learning a new computer code language.  It’s just another side note on the adventures in compensation, and willingness, and I know that my life will be full and rich, as my life is full and rich.  Years ago, I never would have dreamed of being in the situations I have been in within this last year.  And knowing it gets better is crazy great.  And for every day, I will kneel and be thankful for it, and thankful to everyone that helped me in the process.

May you smile often and hug hard and long, for as you give, so shall you receive.

I will hear of you, and I know you will hear of me.

Week 23

I made definite progress and effective concentrated effort towards certain areas of my life, particularly in how I view and treat humanity as a whole.  And as it has been clarified in the lessons, the payoffs are returning, yet unexpected.  Areas of business I already have well established are expanding rapidly.   I did not look for these changes, but now I realize that the efforts I concentrated on improving elsewhere are returning to me in other areas, which happen to be in business.

The last few weeks have been physically difficult though.  A tooth, yes a tooth, a chomper, a biter, a gnasher of all sorts of things which have entered my mouth through the years had become my adversary.  So now I have set the tooth free, and I once again can concentrate effectively.  I am good with physical pain usually, but tooth pain is certainly not a favorite.

I find myself being more open and courageously looking for opportunities that I would not have earlier been looking towards.  Without expectation, just looking and listening.  There really is a lot in the world we miss by being occupied with useless drivel, and we really do have time to do more than we thought.

Next week I start training for writing code as a contractor.  I get to learn something I am not necessarily used to doing.  At all.  But I love that spot.  That place where I am not confident at all in my abilities, but confident in my curiosity and desire for new.  Staying hungry in life, out of comfort zones is soooooooo important to growth.

For now, as my jaw aches a little, but a ton less, I am on my way to read more this fine evening.  The weather is perfect.  It always is, no matter what it is doing.  That’s the way life ought to be looked at, I think.  Be self reliant enough to know that whatever the weather is doing, you can adapt and thrive in the environment, and even find it great.  Just like any day in life.

Another irritating reference, but hey, that’s me-  I guess life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get….  Although, especially now, having gone this far, there will always be beautiful nuance, but I get to CHOOSE the box!!!!

Week 22

And with the new scroll old realizations resurface, and I am happy that I have made many of the choices I have.

The focus is on staying emotionally centered, non-reactive, calm regardless of the quiet or the cacophony of external fluxes.  As a child, I saw this far too often in far too negative of ways.  I saw the lack of reflection upon the actions my parents were taking, and I saw them both retreat into their own various worlds of aggressive and passive defensive systems.  All so that neither one would have to face their feelings and become powerful.  Become vulnerable.  There is so much strength in that, it creates a tear in my eye for the beauty in it.  Still just the one eye though, the other has yet to produce enough duct material for tears.  But neither one had chosen their own path, both were allowing others, their own pasts, and the lack of inner direction to dictate their reactions to their own lives.

Today I will be the master of my emotions.

When I get upset or angry, I know why.  I can articulate my emotional states quite well.  Awareness is something I don’t retreat from.  When I am joyful, I know why.  I enjoy the range of these feelings, as they are tools built into us to help guide us through this life.  But as has been brought out, we can assign emotions to thoughts, and thoughts are brought on by experiences, and linking our experiential thoughts to emotions brings about how we react in the dynamic state of existence.

The more negative emotions are not necessarily negative.  But often we link them to the wrong thought processes, as we often are falling into the same trap as my parents did- flying the bird of life blindly.  Actually, there aren’t negative emotions, there are just negative thought patterns we can link to our emotions.  Our emotions are just a specialized set of tools that feed us information about our surroundings.   But to take this information, to shape it, to mold it, to bend it to our will and make it serve our purpose… this is real power, and real vulnerability.

When we don’t attempt to control or master our emotions, we often let fly our impulsive natures that can be used as tools of massive creation or massive destruction, but either way, it is not long lasted.  Impulsive, unbridled emotions left unchecked, unquestioned and rarely analyzed leaves us at the mercy of our old blueprints, our reactionary selves. And it means we are not being inner directed, but outer directed.

Let me, day by day, be the master of my emotions.  Let me be the one who chooses how I feel and what I feel about everything and nothing.  This is my inheritance, this is my due process.  My judgement will set me free on the scales of peace and tranquility, for I know the sea of life around me whether in storm or in port is simply a feather upon which I calmly float.

And that reminds me of Forrest Gump suddenly.  Go figure.

Week 21

A book I ordered showed up today that will be of utmost help to my primary dmp goal.  Happy about that, as I enjoy reading anyway.

It’s funny, I always considered myself a pretty motivated and self directed person.  I always carved out my own value at places of employment, and have always leveraged my other abilities to help create those unique positions.  It’s difficult for an employer in the skilled trade industries to fire or get rid of a person who brings a lot of specialized skills to the table, and who learns new skills seemingly effortlessly.  This MKE is showing me just what an idiotic self-image I have carried around for my own vanity.  It’s really cool.  I am great at what I do, in most of what I do, but I have set aside what I want to do. Plenty of the areas where I knew, way down deep that there were areas internally that needed attention, I needed to grow or break out of the patterns I have become I simply let slide.  Why?

Because it was still better than what most people would accept as a good life, or a comfortable life.

How dumb.  I thrive in learning.  learning is discomfort.  Why on earth would I choose comfort over anything?  Why would I not gnaw, scratch and claw for massive discomfort instead of a passive ‘good enough’ moment?  Because it’s easier?  Yes.  It is easier.  Troy sent me a couple of videos the other day and I have to say they are great.  I can ‘feel’ that they convey much the same ideals I hold and will never let go of.   They are about really living.

I love people and yet I hate what they represent.  When I walk into a room full of people I don’t usually see who they are, but I see a bunch of sacrificial lambs serving at the altar of convention and mediocrity.  So I push people around.  Not literally.  Well, not anymore anyway.  I push them to react, to express something.  You can’t engage someone fully unless they are willing to be present, alive, in the moment.  To get them there I often have to push them, bring them to an emotional state of some sort.  And that is where the beauty is.  That’s the part I love.  That’s when I see them transform into all the things I adore and let go of all the horrors I have endured.  I see them fly, cry, emote, scream, laugh, dance, rage, etc.  and I see myself in all of that.  What I hate, the place they are in before they live again, is the system that formed their internally imposed prisons that they don’t even know they are carrying around.  But I will not shed a tear over that.  I’d rather take their hand and dance with them and smile.  Cause that is what I would have liked someone to do with me.

Have you ever had a stranger come up and ask you to dance?  A handsome man, a gorgeous woman?  I have.  I have been the one who asks, and have been the recipient of the offer.  On either end, you have questions.  Fears.  Hesitation.  I rejoiced in every moment that a beautiful woman accepted my offer to dance.  I would smile a bit right here and mention that few ever declined, and when they did, it was with the apologetic pointing out of a watchful husband.  Can’t always win, can you?  But it was always then a great time to ask if she had a single sister or friend, for these shoes I am wearing need to move, but they only work well when paired with a nice set of heels and could you be so kind as to tell me which of your friends can help me out with that?  I thrive in those moments.  I thrive in the moments with my friends at the music studio recording original music.  I thrive when working step by step on my dmp goals.   I thought I was driven.  I thought I was talented.  Ha!  I had no idea what that meant till recently.

Life is asking me to dance.  Like those ladies, bless them all, who I asked to dance and accepted, those moments were magic.  They were moments where I felt wonderfully alive, and I also gave pause to plenty of those ladies wondering at what life a person must possess to be so brazenly confident..   And it is because people recognize life’s energy.  We all have it.  I have it.  Those moments were pure energy, pure love.  It was only a moment, but hey, that is what we have every second.  Moments.  Life is beckoning us, begging us to dance.  And we can.  I wouldn’t give two shits if I only had one leg and four hands, I would and will dance.

If the simple act of a dance could leave that much of an impact on me, knowing it was just a moment, well, life has asked me to dance again.  Excuse me if I refuse to turn life down.  Oh, and by the way, life is asking you too, so if you would please join me on the dance floor, we are starting the circle soon- and I need to see you in the center shining bright and ridiculously alive.  And when we are done, sweating with dress shirts, ties, dresses and discarded heels, I will be at peace because I know I danced with life and so did you.

This process is opening me up to all new moves with the same old me.  Channeling everything I am into a few useful but necessary services.  Like I said earlier, I thought I was a lot of things, and I am.  But this gives me the ability to use all of those things towards a few specific moves.  I will be better at dancing than MJ.  First, because he’s dead and I’m alive, and second, because I will be dancing on the floor of my choice, my specialty, and my DMP.

And I want to thank everyone that I have connected with here.  I have made new connections and friends with people I never knew before, some close in proximity, others on the opposite side of the planet.   The experiences I hear through your blogs are heartbreaking and soul healing all at the same time.  The raw amount of reality I get to experience here is astounding and highly appreciated.  Having gone this far, I look at this experience and know for sure that if I knew about it, had a taste of it, but never got to go through it, I would miss it.

Week 20

The gamut of emotions.

Fear.  One thing I had held on to is a fear of being alone for a long long time.  So, I have been alone for a long long time.  Give more get more, and you will get what you focus on.

Now, for the others that have bothered me, a switcharoo is in order and has been put to use.

Guilt.  Knowing I should be actively living my life but choosing not to instead, wasting time on useless bullshit, useless relationships, useless friendships.  Wasting time that I can never get back.  So now, when I get an opportunity to feel guilty about that waste, I would rather feel guilty about an idea.  The idea of who am I to squander the gifts I have been given?  If I am going to indulge in guilt, I will indulge in the guilt of knowing I, I am special enough to be someone who impacts the world, and I am choosing not to.  I am likened to the slave who buried his talents, rather than trading them on the market and receiving more when the master returns.  If I am going to indulge in guilt, it will no longer be because I have selfishly involved myself with vain people so as to enhance my feelings momentarily, no, I will feel guilty because there were great people, honest people, humble servants with worlds to give that I cheated out on the opportunity to know me simply because I was indulging in the quick here and now, but hollow vain activities with hollow ghosts of people.  All while those gods among us were beckoning to me to come sit at their table and work with them, but my temporary vanity was what I chose to feel guilty about, not the lives I harmed with inaction and the opportunities of lifelong connections I snubbed.  For those were the things I choose now to feel guilty about.  Any hesitations I had about introducing myself to new and generous groups of people, any doubts I had about whether or not I have anything of value to offer.  Of course I have value, that is why I chose in the past to hang with sheep.  I can control them, there is nothing there to fear.

Here, I have the opportunity to lay in the sun with other lions.  To choose when I should run, walk, eat, bask, play, etc.  There is nothing here and no one here who would do anything to disturb this, for to know the world is our ultimate playground to share and give, to serve and to experience at the highest level we are capable- who here does not want this for one another?

I fall to my knees and give thanks.  I want for nothing, and each day is a new adventure.  In learning more about myself, I am learning more about you.  In learning more about you, I am learning more about myself.

May your fears become your greatest weapons against your old selves, and may your new selves shower you with love.

Week 19

IMG_0656This weeks posting will be more about activity than it is about the lessons.  But that is okay, as momentum happens in the active progression.  So here I am, this last Sunday, and I have to say I was sad to miss Mark’s coffee break, but not that sad.  He and Fab have been sharing the masterkeys with us to help us set ourselves free from the normal rat race of retardation.  So this just happens to be one of the results.  Good on ya, and thanks.

Now, I’ve always been one to walk to the beat of my own drum.  Been told that by previous employers who appreciated the abilities and creativity and skills of it all, but also wished I would be more of a conformist.  Eat a big turd previous employers, as the good Earl mentioned, conformity is the largest form of cowardice there could ever be.  Tragic.

This was a balmy -10 or so, some odd location in southern MN.  This is just one side step on my DMP, but as soon as I chose it, wrote it down and shared it, BANG!!!!!!!!!!!  Things started happening.  The primary objective on my DMP/dreamboard/etc. was an idea I had two years ago and with that idea I took immediate action that very day and began a special program that I need not go into every detail about.  Suffice it to say though, as I am highly motivated and creative but very scattered, it had not yet gained the momentum it has now.  I attribute this to the universe bowing before my burning desire to manifest this program in its greatest form.  The best part about that is I don’t even know what its greatest form is yet.  I don’t know that I ever will and that’s awesome.  I have nothing but greater and greater expectations for it, and I know the future me that I am getting to know will have even greater designs for the program and the future future me will have even greater designs for it than the future me does.  It’s exciting knowing that I am many people all in one, just at different stages of progression and learning.  Which in turn means what I have to give today will only be magnified and multiplied into what services I will render tomorrow.  And on and on.

I have learned a massive lesson.  Autonomy is huge for me, and I see it in my past actions.  As great as it is to be as independent as possible when it comes to getting things done and making things happen, by nature it does not lend itself to receiving help.  In the short time I have been getting on with the masterkey system, I have been more open to talking about my ideas with other people.  The support I have received has left me in a state of speechless gratefulness.  Any moment  I may be having a slip of a negative thought, I have an abundance of experiences directly tied to my DMP, what is literally my life’s work, to center my soul on absolute joy and love for all things and creation.  How can I have a bad moment when I can choose to live every second in my awesome past experiences that now remind me of how much greater my future will also be?  That in turn allows my creative thoughts to flow into different avenues dealing with projects relating to my DMP.

This weekend, the evening before I got up far too early for most (around 3am to load out and hit the road to go film) I opened my mouth again about another part of my DMP regarding a children’s book I am publishing.  I needed an artist to help out.  Now I can draw well enough to give someone a general idea of what it is, but I am not a natural when it comes to that platform.  At least, not without a lot more practice than what I am choosing to spend time on.  So in opening my mouth after having written it down that I needed help in the art department recently, BANG!!!! I got me an artist happily and eagerly on board with the Vampseal children’s book project.  Now, I had opened my mouth about it before, but I had not put it in writing and then opened my mouth about it.  Lesson 1.  Write it down everywhere.  Lesson 2.  Repeat it all the time.  Obsess about it.  The universe will provide whatever you want.  YOU HAVE TO ASK AS A DEMAND.  After a short time, you wear the universe out and it just coughs it up.

IMG_0636

This is my friend Nick.  He is also my 2nd camera man and marketing director/guru.  I have known him since he was about 14 or so.  He’s a vet, is currently a state patrol dispatcher, and also is an MMA fighter.  He has had to self promote on all platforms of social media, so his contribution to this program is immense.  Plus, he’s crazy.  But he did tell me something when he showed up at my door in the middle of the night to go film this project- he said there is really not anything he would get up in the middle of the night to go do other than this.  He worked till a little after 1 am and then shortly thereafter we were traveling south in the frigid weather to hike all day and film frozen waterfalls for a documentary for this program.  He thanked me again for giving him a purpose in life that means something.  I thanked him for his enthusiasm  (or enthoooooosyasum!!!) and help, and let him know how much it meant to me, knowing how much it will be appreciated by others.

But this is how it goes.  Things fall into place.  Autopilot.  It’s just a choice of what the autopilot course is set on.  The old blueprint or the new.  My new autopilot is set on a life of learning, excitement, adventure and really living out my fantasy.  My hand picked life.

On another note, one tied into my dreamboard but not in my DMP, is an amount of money and the ways I intend to attain that amount.  Written down.  Well, oddly enough, a company that contracts me as an individual is not only sending me out for more training but also at the end of last week has asked me to engineer and fabricate a design for some servo motors to mount to some boiler burner control units and such.  A bit of welding, cutting, machining, whatnot… it’s all second hand to me, but when this goes through, a good portion of that amount of money I desire begins to flow my way.  Again, write it down somewhere and obsess about it.  Demand it.  It has to happen now, because I wrote it down and am not letting go of the idea of it.  I refuse.

I also love seeing the progression others are having.  I even love seeing the trials others are having.  Great samurai swords were not made in lukewarm water.  I love the fight and the opposition to all our dreams as we learn and don’t give up.  It makes us more of what we really are.  Strips off that old cement one chip at a time, or sometimes, one entire parking ramp at a time.  Did you know concrete and steel have nearly identical contraction and expansion rates?  They do.  So the force of the concrete is going to exert and form and breathe around you at the same rate you as the sword are going to attempt to move.  So these exercises, these daily rituals, these changes of pace- once they gain enough momentum, the concrete can’t expand and contract quickly enough, and it has to break.  And what is left is an awesome weapon of creative power that is you.  You can cut through old reality and limitations to your hearts desire.  It’s in you.  Always was.  Shout out to Sujata (I am pretty sure I mangled the name) from my tribe.  I rattled off an old 80’s tune and within a short time she had polo’d the music video of it.  Catchy old tune about not slowing down and pushing through with a massively positive push.

And on that note I’d like to thank everyone in my tribe that I see on polo.  One of them is in Vegas, and she’s sharing a much warmer view than the ones I share.  Another was recently at an airport in florida I believe, and he’s another specimen of awesome humanity.   One of the others is up in Canada someplace, and she got outdoors to take away the blues.  It was snowing and absolutely lovely out when she shared her view.  Even though she admitted to being a bit worked up.  Life is great.  Then there is Ben.  God I love that guy.  Down to earth like the magma that moves worlds.  And our tribe leader Ryan.  Days of Missler right there.  I know that even though you are going left, you are spending more time turning right when you dirt track that stuff.  I am proud of all of you and can’t wait to see more of you all.

For what it’s worth, I am glad I spend my days with you in my thoughts.  I didn’t have this before.  I may not have it ever again.  So at this moment and at this time, I simply rejoice that we are here at this very moment, doing what only we can do the way it was meant to be done through us.

And I can’t leave out Troy Van Dyke.

I’d say peace out, but screw that.  Pull out that sword and hack through every obstacle like it was trying to take away your soul.  Cause it is.  And guess what?  You won’t let it.

 

 

 

Week 18

Marco polo is a useful app.  I wasn’t much into it, and did not participate much until I submitted to my guide’s admonitions, and I am still breaking down some of those hesitations.  But now, it is like an addiction to check it, to see who left a message, knowing already that the message will be great.  Big shout out here to Troy Van Dyke, part of my tribe.  That man is a huge inspiration on fearless communication.  Compile that with his drive to make the most of each day, starting early and keeping it sacred, I find in him an awful lot to learn.  And he just gives it in buckets by example and initiative.  So thank you Troy.  My world is a better place because of you.

The recent questions are buzzing through my mind all the time now.  What am I pretending not to know, and what would the person I intend to become do next?  In my thoughts and meditations on these, they actually melded together and became (quotie fingers here, Mark)  ‘What would the person I intend to become pretend not to know?’

And that opened up a whole new can of adventure and unknowns for my future, and its freaking exciting.  To know that the hero’s journey never ends, and even though goals may be accomplished, it is all about refining the process of present harmony and happiness, living each second courageously and not shrinking back from the future me.  The scroll mentions the future casting a shadow on today, as a future tragedy need not affect today and we can’t do anything about it.  Well, I also realized that the future me can cast a negative shadow on the present me, or it can cast a protective shadow as I am rebuilt into what I intend to become.  I see that shadow cast from the future me as a pyramid, a great statue type of object, huge in it’s casting and looking ahead.  Powerful yet restrained, it’s shadow covers me as a mother duck keeps eye over her ducklings.  See, the future me as I see it, is watching over me already and giving me guidance, telling me and motivating me to do this or that, but always with love and care, never with guilt or force or shame.  Mother ducks do not shame their ducklings for a misstep or a poor swim.  Father penguins do not badger their young for attempting to see the ocean before they are ready, sometimes making premature mistakes in youth.  Likewise, the future me I am getting to know even better is more tolerant of my failings, but mainly because he sees the efforts and the directions I am moving towards, and I am moving closer to filling that shadow for myself.  He is not moving towards me, and not even looking at me.  But now and then a movement from his hand blocks wind, rain, snow, lightning, meteor showers and falling dragons and hydras and keeps me safe.  Yes, in my world the sky rains everything, and in the future I need no defense against any evil, and I am capable of protecting others from it as well.  For the evil that we endure is only the evil we create once we understand who we are and what we really can do on this journey.

But the future me will also need to turn away from the me that is now.  I think I will have to be continually holding rituals to get rid of the past versions of me as I become more and more the man I intend to be.  And that is perfectly acceptable to the future me, as he is even more creative and driven than I am.

For those who read this, thanks.  I think it would be really cool to try to make my life one that you would spend a day in, if you could, because it’s pretty great and it’s only getting better.  And I’d like to trade my day for your day so I could see just how awesome it is to be you.  I believe you are already really cool.  I’ve gotten a kick out of the obituaries, and I also have started reading peoples blogs from the beginnings to now to see the changes in people.  Take care everyone and enjoy every second.

Week 17HJ (Hero’s Journey)

I am going to tell you a story.  It is my hero’s journey.  It is me, returning to that which I was meant to be, and at some points in my life, while a child and at sporadic times throughout my existence, it bursts through the cement and did its thing.

I am a creative force of nature.  That may sound arrogant, but I don’t care.  When I choose to do something, I do it, and even in my line of work, which has most always been on the mechanical fields of some sort, it includes a mass amount of hands on creativity and building/engineering.  There is a lot of conceptual visualization in this brain, often lost on others until they see the final product come to its fruition.  I can see an image of something in my head, and then I can build it.  I turn ideas into things.  Often this is done deductively, not inductively.  I build things and craft custom things (boat work/fiberglass/structural/bodywork/custom paint jobs/custom chopper work/etc.) deductively.  I write music and songs inductively.  Those things kind of grow on their own, and just need a little push here and there until they become a finished product.  The video documentary work I do, which is an intrinsic central ideal of my DMP, is done with a mix of both, but I’d say around 70 percent deductively.  But back to the journey, and the possibly perception of arrogance.

I thought I learned to play chess at the age of 5.  I was wrong.  About a decade ago, my mother corrected me on that.  It was 3.  And I beat adults.  A lot.  As in, most of the time, and it was getting hard to find good opponents.  By the time I was in about 5th grade, I had read the entire volumes of the encyclopedia Britannica.  I was ravenous, but not just for knowledge, it was actually for escape.

I was raised into a cult.  I never knew anything else, and on top of that, my father was a physically abusive tyrant who expressed his identity to me through acts of terror and lots of other things that I need not go into detail here.  But every kind of abuse you can think of was for me at least a weekly experience, so safety was found outside of the home.  That is one of the biggest reasons why I am dedicated to this program.  I’ve been through lots of therapy and counseling.  But for whatever reason, they aren’t too good at the whole reprogramming the identity that the subconscious hangs on to as a blueprint.  And, as we learned, the higher the emotional charge, the deeper the implant of experience.  I am becoming what I was born to be, not nurtured to be, but born to be faster and with less dead weight through the MKE process.  And we will get to that.  As a by product of this, I am feeling the formative perceptions slip aside.  They will never disappear, once subby has known something, it will always know it.  Years ago I came up with my own system, and called it suppression and replacement.  Knowing that focus is key, and you cannot forget something, what you can do is focus on something else.  Don’t fight evil, turn from it.  It exists, it is there, and you are powerless to control it.  But you are powerful to set that thought aside and think of something else.  Whatever you want.  I worked this process, but I worked it in reaction to my environment and the necessities that my past had drilled in to me.  I never wanted to feel vulnerable ever again.  So I became the best at fighting in an illegal fighting circuit.  I even mastered the spiritual aspect of it, and found as a process for improvement, that in weakness there is strength.  May sound contradictory, but we can only grow stronger in the areas we accept as weaknesses.  The worst part about our ego is the idea that we can think we know something.  As soon as that happens, we really are plain out retarded.  If you are offended by that word, do your work and look it up.  Big difference between being born with a condition and being born without a condition but choosing to be stupid.  That’s the red in me talking.  I’m telling my hero’s journey, I am going to read yours, and you will tell yours the way that only you can, and I will love it and love you for it.

So I suppressed everything else except my double life of a good little cult follower during the week and a life of violence every saturday night for at least two years.   During my working days, I worked on my breathing exercises, opening and closing the energy gates, contracting and expanding the diaphragm and holding my breath.  I visualized activities constantly, ran up and down bluffs that had no trails for exercise, and morphed into a binary thing.  No expression, no emotion, just a meat suit meant for one thing- to never feel physically vulnerable ever again.  No matter what.  But it, like so many other things, was not what I was meant to be.  And I am okay with that, because people like that are disturbed individuals who belong in special forces and other weird occupations that have short life expectancy’s.  They are not good for society as a whole.  I know this because I was this.  But something kept popping up, and I will tell you about that now.

I remember when I was eight and in third grade.  I had a teacher named Tad Voss.  This was a man among men, a real scholar, poet, woodworker, creative genius and inspiration to many.  Not so much to me, as I didn’t need inspiration to be creative and build things.  Anyway, one day during quiet time, he heard a constant repetitive sound that he couldn’t place.  When he finally found out what it was, he was overjoyed.  See, I had gotten bored.  I realize now that a lot of it has to do with social programming and conditioning men to be gender neutral, but at least back then we still had an hour recess and tall swings we could break our legs on.  The absolute worst thing you can make boys do is sit still for 8 hours a day.  Society, I hate you for that.  But you’ve got yours coming, there are less intelligent but far more masculine cultures ready to take over for your sins.   Not my problem now, my problem then was sheer unadulterated boredom.  Holy crap did I get bored easy.  Take a kid who gets good at chess at three and then force his ass to sit and read dick and jane and see how he feels about you later in life..  Anyway, this noise Tad was hearing..  I had taken some construction paper and cut out a silhouette of a car about 4 inches long and an inch and a half tall.  Mind you, this was back when paper was thick and could cut you and half the class  down if you made a good paper airplane out of it.  Construction paper was no joke, and I am sure the homeless people liked it back then better than the flimsy shit they produce for kids these days.  Anyway, we also had the pleasure of sticking ourselves with pins when we wanted, so I grabbed a crayon, took that wrapper off of it, cut about a quarter inch off of it, and did this four times to make myself some wheels (I could do that with the non-safety fiskars of the times) then shoved the crayons on to the pins and used the pins like axles for the crayon wheels- the pins being stuck through the car cutout and the other crayon wheels stuck to the other side of the pins.  It was brilliant.  It rolled great.  If you ever remember a good crayola crayon, you may recall that the very center of it was a tiny bit softer than the rest.  So the pins kind of self-aligned, and when set together close to the car section, it held the car section of construction paper upright.  Within 5 minutes, all the kids around me had built them too, and we were racing them.

Tad took this opportunity to get the whole class involved, and we actually spent almost an hour a day for a week engineering pin cars.  This led to an all out hot wheels and matchbox event the next week including tracks and all.  It was fun.  It was engaging.  it was living.

Tad told me something I never forgot.  Even in the pit, bashing another man’s face into a swim ladder.  He told me I was the boy who could create something out of nothing, and to keep being creative.  As I recall this now,  it brings tears to my eye.  I’d like to say eyes, but since my brain surgery my right eye hasn’t shed tears yet.  I believe it will someday though, so I will keep remembering these things, and when I finally shed a teat from my right eye, I am going to cry and cry and cry until snot covers my shirt.  Be glad its not your shirt, I am big enough and dangerous enough to take it from you.  But I won’t.  In fact, these days, I’d like to buy you a shirt and a coffee.  If you don’t like coffee I will find out what you do like and get you that.  Or I can paint you some abstract art.  I do more of that now too.  But I am off topic.  I cried right now because I betrayed what I was meant to be, but knew instinctively that I was supposed to be creating, not destroying.  i used excuses, all that bs, and should have known that while I lived in Northfield MN and started teaching my style and way of self-defense/martial arts, it was my soul attempting to right itself and do what I was meant to do.  Create and share what I create.  I had created a free form martial art style, and was sharing it.  Not the best use of my time, but I did gain some lifelong friends as a result. Plus I got to break people when my students invited me to an outdoor music festival where fights broke out all the time.  It’s like giving a honey badger a free ticket to a bee hive.  But  it’s not what I was meant to be doing.

I was very intuitive, and still am.  When I was around 9 or 10, my father brought me out to some random extended relative who did his own reloading.  I was told that the metal he was melting down was lead, and that was it.  I felt the ingots prior to them being melted for shaping, and promptly told him there was something else in  there.  At least three something else’s in there.  My dad’s a dick, by the way, and I have nothing to do with him.  I cut him out of my life shortly before I got excommunicated from the cult for good reason.  Anyway, about 4 years after the reloading intuition and being told nothing about it, I was installing some cam bearings for an engine my dad was rebuilding.  The cam bearing installation rental tool failed to come with instructions and my father was at wits end as he could not figure it out.  He went inside, I messed with it and a half hour later had them installed, and correctly.  I had never done that before.  He promptly decided I was too smart for my own good and gave me a good beating for it.  Shortly thereafter he mentioned that the guy who was doing the reloading mentioned that there had been lots of people who asked about the ingots.  His pat reply to everyone including me when queried about their contents was simply lead.  Out of all of them, I was the only one to recognize that there was something else there, and to also get right how many other metals were included in the mix.  Would have been nice to know that at the time, that someone had recognized aptitude and given me a compliment, but hey, my dad’s a dick.  Go figure.

My name is Orren Marshall.  I create things, and this burning desire to create things has been a part of me since I was born.  When I went to Mexico I used the beach as my canvas and I drew godzilla in the sand holding a flower telling everyone to take the flower.  The next evening it was a disco rollerskater with a boombox and bell bottom pants.  After that it was a Harley rider headed into the ocean.  I got standing ovations from people in the hotels above floor 5, as they were so big you kinda had to be up that high to see the whole picture.  These took hours.  I loved every second of it.  I can’t go through life without creating.

All the bullshit, all the abuse, all the fighting, all the drag racing and high speed car junk, motocross, adrenaline rush junkie type stuff- all of it is incorporated into my DMP now with the creative life at the very pinnacle of my existence.   My second camera guy is also my marketing guru, and he is willing to help on a dime with my projects and why?  Cause he is in the lower rankings of MMA here in MN.  He doesn’t look at any of my artsy stuff lightly, and is all in to help with all his marketing talents because he knows I can beat the shit out of anyone.  How weird is that..

My day job is infinitely flexible thanks to my history in fabrication skills and such with custom projects.  I am sure with a simple request, I could get access to Jay Leno’s garage, as my employer rubs shoudlers with the guy.

This is the hero’s journey.  This is my hero’s journey.  Even the dumbest sidetracking has somehow and is somehow serving a purpose with my ultimate purpose and coming full circle with my creative calling.  I see doors opening, not because of the project itself, sometimes, but because I can relate to some of the gatekeepers in ways that are pretty unique.  Being excommunicated from a cult is kind of a rare experience, and then becoming an ordained minister to perform weddings for your own DJ company raises more glasses than it does eyebrows.

Point is, and there is a lesson to everything as I return happy and whole and powerful and harmonious full circle to my center, my reason for existence- for a while I thought all the bullshit I went through and especially all the dumb stuff I did to myself along the way had no reason for existence within my main life’s reason for being.  Wrong.  I’m forgiven.  You’re forgiven.  I don’t know when, but every thing you did and every thing someone else did to you is going to be necessary, but only when you accept your calling.  Until then its all chaos and toilet paper.

This was long.  Good, I’m glad.  It makes sure that only people who can read and have some discipline will get to know me.  Those who skip over it, well, I won’t skip over you, but you will certainly be hearing about me in the future.  And I hope to all creation that I will hear about every one of you through all sorts of channels.  Because this is life.  And it is pretty freaking awesome.

Week 17

The non-moving magnifying glass.  That is what I get out of all this focus on concentration.  But there’s more.

A while back, while doing some research on solar energy, I stumbled across a youtube video where a young kid took an old satellite dish, glued about 5000 tiny mirrors to it, then aimed it at the sun so that it collected the suns rays and centered them to a point about 5 feet from the dish to a concentric spot about 1/2 inch in diameter.  The results were pretty ridiculous, as in impressive.  Hold a 2×4 at this spot of focus for anything longer than about a second, and it would burst into flames.  Hold a brick at the focal point, and in about 10 seconds it would start to explode.  Want to burn a hole in a paint can lid?  15 seconds.  Want to melt mud into glass?  25 seconds.  Of course, the kid wore welding gloves, safety glasses, and held these various objects with large pliers and vise grips and channel locks and such.  Guarantee it could burn a spot on your flesh faster than you would want, unless of course you have that rare disease where you can’t feel tactile sensations.  Then you’d just start to smell something and later realize certain body parts are not working correctly anymore.

Point is, and lesson 17 really hammers at it, concentration is key, and it reminded me of this kid with this solar collector.  Which also brings to light the laws that are universal, but rarely do we apply what we observe in nature as an applicable law to our minds.

See, this kid took an entire sun, inefficiently, and focused its power through concentrated effort (the parabola of mirrors) and used massive amounts of scattered energy to create a centered spot of massive energy.  Transference.  The energy is always, was always, and will always be there.  The only thing needed was something to focus it.  It clicks, more and more all the time.  My guide, Ryan, sent me a compass and a small magnifying lens.  Told me to stay focused on what’s important.  Need a compass to guide you to know where you want to end up.  Need the focus to stay on track.

I think now about that magnifying lens, the concentration needed to stay focused, immovable against adversity, and a compass like directive power that cannot change and also see that kid with his solar dish harnessing scattered energy.  And now, I see our minds are the magnifying glasses, the universe is the sun, and all we are- all we have to do is just hold focus on a particular thought long enough and all the scattered energy in the universe gets necked down and concentrated on whatever we are thinking about, and thus, it burns right through any obstacle and creates all sorts of ways to make those thoughts a tangible reality.

So it is in the physical, and if it is a law in the physical, it is also a law in the spiritual.

I was ill this week, with a bout of chronic bronchitis.  Usually this would last a month.  This time, even in my weakened state (still recovering from surgery and my energy level is not 100 percent) I am feeling it leave me in only 4 days.  I am focused on the health, even though my past would have me be focused on how I ‘feel’.  I choose to think about running miles and miles.  And more miles.  And more after that.  Ain’t life grand.  Choose, concentrate, stay focused and know where you’re going.  Does it get any better?  Yes!