Walking away. Understanding the concept of leaving negativity behind, at least in the mechanical form, was a lesson understood decades ago. I was not raised well, and at the hands of a tyrant father I endured many forms of things that shall not be discussed at present, as the instances of experiences are not the lesson to be learned.
What is important, though, is the shedding of evil. Of that which consumes my mind, my time, my heart. Would have liked to have thought I conquered these things before, and compared to many, I have and have thrived. But again, another failure- comparing myself to others and their lives. I do not want someone else’s life. I want mine. I may look at many people and know that I do not want what they are doing, having, or being, but it does no good to me and serves me in no good capacity, as the focus is not one my future self, my future life, and my path to great.
There was so much time I spent focusing on what I did not want to be, a replica of that lineal tyrant, that regardless of what my conscious mind was telling me, my subconscious mind was creating a life for me that revolved around the selfsame pain and terror that I survived as a child. A life where I could experience the life and death crisis on a regular basis. A life where I could experience hatred and brutality as a method to gain control of the fears and insecurities woven into my identity in my formative years.
At some point, while I stood over an opponent whom I had bloodied senseless, I realized that I had become more than the tyrant ever dreamed of becoming. I had turned all the beauty of what I could be, what I was created to be and what I was meant to be into a fine and perfect machine for everything ugly, terrible and black. Acid couldn’t compare to the dead potential I carried and perfected for malevolent behavior.
The exact thing I hated, I had become. Except I was born to be an artist, to create, and to be a whirlwind of energy and focus. The attributes listed prior were within me always. What we are given, what we are, will show through even when we try to stifle it. In this case, I became great at causing pain. I was an artist with the emotion of hatred, and I used physical brutality to express my malcontent frustration with life itself.
It is very true indeed, we become what we focus on, not necessarily what we think we want to be. I spent years hating the tyrant. Everything about him, and swore I would never be like him. I had limits, and the actions were not the same, but the dynamics were identical. Remove the insecurities through force. He had his ways, and he preyed upon innocence. I reacted to this, and spent years fighting and keeping myself in positions where I could excuse my use of brutality through the justification of not victimizing anyone. But honestly, we are all guilty, and we are all innocent. Loving everyone is not so difficult as loving yourself once you figure out how to forgive.
I made many steps along the way to turn from that life. But often I found myself reminiscing about the experiences, the events, the pains and the trauma. Let go. It’s not who you are, or who you want to be. Let it go. Let it go. Stop it. Stop seeing yourself as the thing you created long ago. Instead, see what you want to create, see who you are in the future, and focus on creating him. I did it once before- the mechanics were conscious methods, practical and practiced. Lots and lots of practice. How many times do you need to open-palm a telephone pole as hard as you can until you know you are hitting it perfectly? A lot. A lot a lot a lot. Practice. The subconscious was working all the time, hating the very thing that was, as a child, the embodiment of fear and terror in the human form. That was it’s focus. That is what it made. What I made.
So full circle, and here I am. Understanding even more now how the burning desire, the core beliefs and the undying faith being weapons of change to mold me into whatever I choose to be. I will be what I choose to be. Week 8 and things click yet again. I did this before, and then again, but I never bothered to put myself on top of a pyramid overlooking all the world and every grand thing on it. I am surrounded by people who are my greatest allies, here, and as I observe them they are observing me. We are watching each other as though for the first time, and I am meeting their future selves as I introduce my future self to them, and it is beautiful. Here there is joy, power, harmony and patience. I forgive you, and I ask that you forgive me because you are beautiful.