Week 21

A book I ordered showed up today that will be of utmost help to my primary dmp goal.  Happy about that, as I enjoy reading anyway.

It’s funny, I always considered myself a pretty motivated and self directed person.  I always carved out my own value at places of employment, and have always leveraged my other abilities to help create those unique positions.  It’s difficult for an employer in the skilled trade industries to fire or get rid of a person who brings a lot of specialized skills to the table, and who learns new skills seemingly effortlessly.  This MKE is showing me just what an idiotic self-image I have carried around for my own vanity.  It’s really cool.  I am great at what I do, in most of what I do, but I have set aside what I want to do. Plenty of the areas where I knew, way down deep that there were areas internally that needed attention, I needed to grow or break out of the patterns I have become I simply let slide.  Why?

Because it was still better than what most people would accept as a good life, or a comfortable life.

How dumb.  I thrive in learning.  learning is discomfort.  Why on earth would I choose comfort over anything?  Why would I not gnaw, scratch and claw for massive discomfort instead of a passive ‘good enough’ moment?  Because it’s easier?  Yes.  It is easier.  Troy sent me a couple of videos the other day and I have to say they are great.  I can ‘feel’ that they convey much the same ideals I hold and will never let go of.   They are about really living.

I love people and yet I hate what they represent.  When I walk into a room full of people I don’t usually see who they are, but I see a bunch of sacrificial lambs serving at the altar of convention and mediocrity.  So I push people around.  Not literally.  Well, not anymore anyway.  I push them to react, to express something.  You can’t engage someone fully unless they are willing to be present, alive, in the moment.  To get them there I often have to push them, bring them to an emotional state of some sort.  And that is where the beauty is.  That’s the part I love.  That’s when I see them transform into all the things I adore and let go of all the horrors I have endured.  I see them fly, cry, emote, scream, laugh, dance, rage, etc.  and I see myself in all of that.  What I hate, the place they are in before they live again, is the system that formed their internally imposed prisons that they don’t even know they are carrying around.  But I will not shed a tear over that.  I’d rather take their hand and dance with them and smile.  Cause that is what I would have liked someone to do with me.

Have you ever had a stranger come up and ask you to dance?  A handsome man, a gorgeous woman?  I have.  I have been the one who asks, and have been the recipient of the offer.  On either end, you have questions.  Fears.  Hesitation.  I rejoiced in every moment that a beautiful woman accepted my offer to dance.  I would smile a bit right here and mention that few ever declined, and when they did, it was with the apologetic pointing out of a watchful husband.  Can’t always win, can you?  But it was always then a great time to ask if she had a single sister or friend, for these shoes I am wearing need to move, but they only work well when paired with a nice set of heels and could you be so kind as to tell me which of your friends can help me out with that?  I thrive in those moments.  I thrive in the moments with my friends at the music studio recording original music.  I thrive when working step by step on my dmp goals.   I thought I was driven.  I thought I was talented.  Ha!  I had no idea what that meant till recently.

Life is asking me to dance.  Like those ladies, bless them all, who I asked to dance and accepted, those moments were magic.  They were moments where I felt wonderfully alive, and I also gave pause to plenty of those ladies wondering at what life a person must possess to be so brazenly confident..   And it is because people recognize life’s energy.  We all have it.  I have it.  Those moments were pure energy, pure love.  It was only a moment, but hey, that is what we have every second.  Moments.  Life is beckoning us, begging us to dance.  And we can.  I wouldn’t give two shits if I only had one leg and four hands, I would and will dance.

If the simple act of a dance could leave that much of an impact on me, knowing it was just a moment, well, life has asked me to dance again.  Excuse me if I refuse to turn life down.  Oh, and by the way, life is asking you too, so if you would please join me on the dance floor, we are starting the circle soon- and I need to see you in the center shining bright and ridiculously alive.  And when we are done, sweating with dress shirts, ties, dresses and discarded heels, I will be at peace because I know I danced with life and so did you.

This process is opening me up to all new moves with the same old me.  Channeling everything I am into a few useful but necessary services.  Like I said earlier, I thought I was a lot of things, and I am.  But this gives me the ability to use all of those things towards a few specific moves.  I will be better at dancing than MJ.  First, because he’s dead and I’m alive, and second, because I will be dancing on the floor of my choice, my specialty, and my DMP.

And I want to thank everyone that I have connected with here.  I have made new connections and friends with people I never knew before, some close in proximity, others on the opposite side of the planet.   The experiences I hear through your blogs are heartbreaking and soul healing all at the same time.  The raw amount of reality I get to experience here is astounding and highly appreciated.  Having gone this far, I look at this experience and know for sure that if I knew about it, had a taste of it, but never got to go through it, I would miss it.


3 thoughts on “Week 21

  1. WOW!!! Another amazing post! I LOVE it! GREAT observation: Life is asking us to dance. Are we going to say yes or sit this one out? If not now, when? What would my future Self want me to do? What am I pretending not to know?

    Liked by 1 person

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